Divorce

“They said, “Moses allowed a man to write a certificate of divorce and to send her away.” And Jesus said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart he wrote you this commandment. But from the beginning of creation, ‘God made them male and female.’ ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” (Mark 10:4-9 ESV)

Marriage is an institution that should be held in high esteem and entered into with utmost thoughtfulness and consideration. And I need not in this article to discuss the horrors of divorce nor the generational repercussions. Sin has marred even the best of gifts, turning them into our misery. How does a pastor address such a sensitive and prevalent topic? Before I say what I want to say, let me remind us all that for every mile of road that there is two miles of ditch. What ditches should we avoid?

One, divorce is sin, except on two grounds - adultery and abandonment (Matthew 5:31-32; 1 Corinthians 7:15). A marriage is both a contract and a relationship, and only those two grounds void that contract. The relationship may be stressed, but that does not void the contract. In our age of no-fault divorce, couples divorce for a multitude of reasons (such “fallen out of love,” or “no longer happy,” or “should have thought better,” or you name it), but the Christian only divorces for these two reasons.

Two, I did not fall off the turnip truck yesterday. I am well aware of the many divorces among my readers and how divorce has been a plague among a particular generation. As strongly as I say that divorce is sin, so strongly so I say that repentance is available. I do not mean the attitude which says, “Well, God will forgive me, so I’m going to do it.” No, I mean the gospel repentance that “out of a true sense of sin and an apprehension of the mercy of God in Christ, does with grief and hatred of his sin, turn from it unto God, with full purpose of, and endeavor after new obedience.” (WSC 87) You don’t have to walk around with the overwhelming sense guilt and shame; rather, you can turn your eyes upon Jesus.

Now, look at our passage. Jesus says, “Because of the hardness of your heart.” What does that look like? Hardness of heart happens when we place our personal happiness over our shared commitments. Hardness of heart happens when our desires speak louder than our vows. Hardness of heart happens when I place myself over my other half. Moses provides Israel an “out” when the wife “finds no favor” in the husband’s eyes. But have we ever thought for a moment that God employs the trials in our marriages to strengthen our holiness? That these afflictions are producing in us the fruit of the Spirit? Matthew Henry states: “Where the providence of God, or his own wrong choice in marriage, has allotted to a Christian a trial instead of a help meet; he will from his heart prefer bearing the cross, for [divorce] tends to sin, confusion, and misery. Divine grace will sanctify this cross, support under it, and teach so to behave, as will gradually render it more tolerable.” Too many lazy husbands and nagging wives have found greater joy in marriage by being sanctified through their sufferings than by the easy way out.

I write today to those couples who are struggling, who are contemplating divorce. Obviously, if you are the victim of abuse or an affair, get out first and then find help. If you are in a marriage where the love has grown cold, where communication has broken down, where you cannot get on the same page, stay and work it out. Where Stonewall Jackson would say, “Don’t take counsel from your fears,” I say, “Don’t take counsel from your hardness of heart.” Signing papers may be easy, but what comes afterwards is not. God is using this rough patch for your holiness and your happiness, as He has done time and time again. If the going gets tough, find help. Talk to your pastor. If you have no pastor, talk to me. My door is always open, and my phone is always on. What God has put together, let us keep together.